Tear & Haelo *Their story from the start*

*GASP* LONG CHAPTER!!! GOODNESS!
I liked it. I did. it had a good start, great ending! ^ ^ I especially liked the part with the singing, going back and forth from singer to audience. that I could TOTALLY picture in my head, no prob at all.
I do have a few suggestions. I know, all the good stuff and then dump you with the critisism. I'm sorry, but if you liked it last time... you get the idear.
Ok, first of all, the stuff you put in * *, really that wasn't neccissary (I've never been able to spell that word). sometimes it's ok to put stuff in () but I would do that only when you HAVE GOT TO! Stuff like that takes the reader away from the present scene going on. It's still ok to put the little detail in - they make for a good story - but you can leave out the * *.
Another thing: sometimes (I didn't see it a lot) you'd change tenses. The story is written in past tense, right? As in, it happened already. But sometimes you go into present tense, as in "it's happening now!" (I'm sure you know what tenses are ^ ^ Sorry I didn't mean to make to say that I think you didn't.) Just for example: right before ~HPOV~ it says, "I need that picture of them with me..." Now if that were a thought of Tear's it might fit but in that case you would have to let the reader know she was thinking it, maybe by italisising it. But if you wanted to simply state it, to keep the same tense it would have to be "I needed that picture of them with me..." or "I had to have that picture of them with me..." You see the difference?
I'm so picky! I'm sorry! I make the same sort of mistakes all the time! And I don't want to go into the last point but I will if it'll help. And if not, well, you can come flame me! ^ ^
Right before you started describing what you got in which place (which I also liked!) you put, "I got the following so far..." Well that's similar to what I told you the very first time I commented on your story: addressing the reader is a big-time no-no. This is addressing the reader, even though it doesn't really sound like it as much as, "Well reader, I got the following so far..." This is also present tense. And (even though everything you put next was really in list form) it makes is sound like they're about to read a grocery list or something. To lead into the "list" better, you could put something like, "They boys got me so much stuff, most of which I never thought I'd ever see again!"
I'm not a very good critic and I know it's annoying. I don't like my work being critisized, but if it'll make me a better writer, I say "BRING ON YOUR WORST OR TELL ME ABOUT MINE!" ^ ^ I hope all my mumbo jumbo made some sense.
Great writing! I'm realy into the story! Can't wait to read the next chapter!!!

I think the song really does describe Tear it's scary (in a good way) I can't wait till the next chapter and thanx for keeping me posted on when u put a new one up! This story rocks!!! ^^

For the song "Sugar We're going Down"

http://cdzinc.com/K/32/rock/E_H/falloutboy.html

By the way here are the link to which you can download the songs in this chapter and listen to them for free! Here is the song Breath....
http://cdzinc.com/K/32/rock/M_R/nalickanna.html

For the song "Sugar We're going Down"

http://cdzinc.com/K/32/rock/E_H/falloutboy.html

For the song Absolutely (Story of a girl)

http://cdzinc.com/K/32/rock/M_R/ninedays.html

Hoped you liked the new chapter!

Yay! Another chapter thanks so much for telling me that you put up another one! I loved the part when Tear talks to Ben and Ben's half asleep for me that's funny cause it happens to me all the time with my little bro. I also like the part when Tear is talking to herself and Haelo answers her question. Keep it up i can't wait for the next one!!! ^^

Oh! Oh! It's great! There are some small boo-boos, but they're probably just typos! It's so good in fact that I have a fav part! When Tear walks into the kitchen and she's talking to herself and says, "I... wonder what Haelo is like when he's not around girls..." and then Haelo jumps in and says, "He's probably still a jerk." ^ ^ I love that part!! Don't know why. It's really a classic, when the girl comes in talking and doesn't notice the boy and she talks about him and he finishes her thoughts in third person! But the way you did it was so kool! Like I knew it was coming and couldn't wait to see what he said! and it was one of those statements where you could see him smiling and you feel really sorry for the poor guy.
...Enough blabbing! Keep it going! This is kool! cuz obviously Haelo and Tear end up together but right now it seems more like Ben and Tear so I'm in suspence at how the transition is going to work!!!!

Personally, I would go with Ben. I feel bad for Haelo and all that happened to him and all, but he's not stable enough to get close to any girl, especially one that is unstable herself. Love Ben! He's awesome! Haelo I more like for the looks. and I never did care for girl characters anyway, but I do feel sorry for Tear.

Great.... I'm getting caught up in stories that aren't mine!

< Liedetector16

Hey Como! I've been reading your story. Very sadvery beautiful. Very real. There's so many girls out there in reality just like Tear. Your story really makes one think. But hey, would you mind if I just gave you one tip? I'm a writer myself and I hope to get professional about it one day as a Christian fiction author. But back to your story: At the top under "~HPOV~", second paragraph, you started in "I guess I should tell you a little more about myself." In writing, it's a major no-no to address the reader. And plus there's so many more creative ways to start off that paragraph. I'm not gonna do it for ya cuz you're already creative enough! ^ ^ Hope you don't mind a little constructive critisism. It's a good story! In fact I'm gonna keep reading! Happy writing!

< Liedetector16

This chapter is sooo emotional Ben and Tear or Haelo and Tear I can't wait till the next chapter to see what happens!!! This one was my favorite so far!!! Keep up the great work!!!